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If you have been reading through the threads you may have already found out a bit about me. In a marriage for 35 years before seperating nearly two years ago, thats the very broard outline. Met a man 6 months after, we were happy and in la la land I was blown away that firstly I was lucky enough to meet someone after being a home body looked after financially by a very good providing husband and raising three wonderful children. I had to learn even the very basics of running a household alone paying bills etc was foriegn to me as I had never bothered to learn never thought i needed to. Well the man a fell in love with is out of work and on that topic I lost my job at the end of last year too. Things havent been easy but with a divorce settlement in the bank I felt secure. Well the money is dwindling very quickly. I am now the bill payer and provider. Its really strange to tell you the truth it scares me heaps. I have no idea when either of us will get work. I have a hip replacement op in less than two weeks so the recovery will be a while. I am suffering emense pain which has made a usually very quiet calm patient woman turn snappy angry and unpleasant to those around me. What do you all think of my situation. I love this man am I worrying about nothing should I drop those old fashioned ideas of the man being the provider is it unimportant should I just live and spend without any thought for the future, that really causes me many sleepless nights.
louise
2010-02-10 09:41:31
new partner at 49
Hi Wendy - sounds as if your are really together as a person but I understand that if you have been provided for for such a long time it is hard to change your beliefs that it is a women's right. My logic says that it is not. After having 18 years of being provided for then another 20 of being the provider, I know which I would rather be. I am now too independent not to be in control of my own decisions. Notwithstanding the fact that my second husband and I have been married 20 years, this relationship was founded on a very different basis. There have been times when I have earnt so much more than he has and it actually makes no difference. Swallow the frog quickly (a term I use to get over anything rather than a drawn out process), enjoy the relationship you are in and don't blame him for your situation. If he was in work and you weren't, would he be thinking you should support him?
I really feel for you with your pain from your hip, it is very hard to be positive in the face of constant serious discomfort. I am sure that when the op is over you will face the future differently. There has been a lot of financial pain out there with this recession and believe me it isn't over yet. But if your only problem ends up being financial then at least you have choices about where you live. Hope this helps.
Heather Talbott
2010-02-13 16:23:19
Relationships
It's hard to say without knowing the relationship. I'm guessing you have reservations, but that may be because you have always been used to being provided for, and you think this is the man's role.
My main concern about your situation is that you may not have given yourself time to learn to be a single, independent, bill-paying woman before getting into another relationship. I also know that some men prey on women who are either divorced or widowed, to provide them with funds. However, it doesn't sound like your man is this type, or that you have the funds to support him for long.
I presume you're getting all you're entitled from the govt.
I think you should concentrate on making yourself marketable and finding out what you want to do. If your relationship works that's an added extra.
wendy hablous
2010-02-20 13:32:21
heather
I wish I could get something from the govertment with all the taxes ive paid over the years but with savings in the bank I am sure they would expect me to run that supply dry first. Believe me its disappearing fast. Once I have my hip replacement which is on tuesday the 23rd I will be out there looking for a job thats for sure. Until then I do have to be a little careful on how I treat myself. Gosh if you have any ideas on income I am open to suggestions. Thanks.
Heather Talbott
2010-02-21 17:08:24
money woes
Hi Wendy
It's worth checking out, but I'm pretty sure you're allowed $5,000 in the bank at the time you apply for benefits. It doesn't seem fair to me that you have to use it all up first. I mean if it was all tied up in a house you wouldn't be expected to sell your house before you are eligible for unemployment benefit.
I'm new to it too. I'm your age and recently separated with 4 kids aged 11 - 18. I looked for a full time job for years before getting my current one. I'd hoped that 2 full time wages would take the pressure off, only to end up struggling to support the kids and pay the bills alone, so I know about watching the budget. However, I am thankful that once my training period is up next year my pay will rise and so will the opportunity for advancement, so in a few years all should be rosier.
You may be better to concentrate on having your op and recovering before you look at anything else. I don't know what skills or experience you already have, but is there anything you've always wanted to train for. Is there a short computer course or something, that could help you upskill. Keep trying. Scan the jobs online and in the papers and talk to people about what you'd like to do, as there is truth that in NZ it's wnot what you know but who you know. Also it may be worth paying to have someone write you a CV.
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