Heather Talbott
2010-01-24 16:05:32
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making new friends
Hi there
I'm new to the forum. In November my husband walked out on our 21 year marriage, and to my shock I realised I was relieved, rather than devastated.
Once out of the situation a lot of things become clear, including some of the mistakes (like not growing a spine) you made yourself along the way, and the fact that a lot of "our" friends were actually inherited from him. Yes, that was my fault entirely, having let relationships slip and allowed life to become so unbalanced.
Now as a child it's easy to make friends. When your kids are little it's easy to make friends at kindy, playgroup and outside school. However, when you're 49, and your kids are aged 11 - 18 you are a positive embarrassment hanging about outside school. I live in a small town where when 60 year olds talk about their "girlfriends" they probably went to primary school together. I am positive about the future and I have a new great job, but how on earth do you make new friends without seeming desperate? After reading Peta Mathias, "Can we help it if we're fabulous?" I've realised that I am sadly lacking in girl friends.
So far, I've joined a gym, but apart from a welcoming smile, people tend to sweat staring straight ahead, and it's hard to have a conversation when you are gasping for oxygen. I have also advertised to see if anyone wants to go walking in the evenings - so far with no response. I don't have a lot of money to be able to join many things, as I have 4 kids to support. Any suggestions please?
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wisanow
2010-01-24 20:07:06
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making new friends
Hi Heather
I am amazed at how you have made such sense out of your situation and come to grips with the reality of how you functioned within your marriage. It is very typical that friends from a marriage will take sides because it is genuinely difficult anyway to stay friends with both partners.
How about going back to the friendships you had before marriage just to get back in the swing of remembering how well you related to people before just taking on friends through your husband? There are some great sites available to find these people through www.oldfriends.co.nz, www.facebook.com to name two and at least you will have people to chat to online while you establish new relationships. It is so much harder to meet people as you get older as there is only a certain amount of time available with your workload as you say and everyone else is in the same position.
I don't know whether this would work but there is another site called www.meetup.com where interest groups post events and invite others to join. Everything is there from hiking groups to philosophy groups to poker and language groups. Just select the town you are in or near from the menu.
I hope other members share their views about meeting new friends face to face as I am sure there are many others in your position.
Hope this helps.
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geraldine
2010-01-24 21:00:02
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making new friends
Making new friends is so difficult at our stage of life. It's such a shame that friends think they need to choose when a relationship ends. There is a wonderful organisation which Susan Devoy is involved with called Wonder Walkers www.wonderwalkers.co.nz and they have appear to have a branch in Timaru. their email is info@wonderwalkers.co.nz. Having walked five days a week for the last 15 years with tow friends, I know how therapeutic it is. We have a saying "what is said on the walk, stays on the walk". I actually started walking with two women, one of whom I had never met and she is now one of my closest friends, so I can seriously recommend that you give it a try. Good luck and be happy
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Heather Talbott
2010-01-25 19:20:16
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Friends
Great suggestions ladies. I'll look up both of those and get going.
Unfortunately I've spent much of my childhood and adulthood moving around NZS - in a housebus at one point. this forms great memories but not great freinds. I am, of course, in touch with some of those pre-marital friends, but they are spread across NZ and not exactly there to go to a movie, or have a drink. Some of our friends haven't exactly taken sides, but it is kind of awkward when they were his friends first, and you know you might bump into him with another woman.
Anyway, after 21 years I think it's my turn and new beginnings and to rediscover my creative self. Thanks.
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geraldine
2010-01-26 09:24:36
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friends
Yes, that bumping into thing is hard. Have you seen It's Complicated? I could relate to that movie! Not the affair with the ex husband though! Yuch!
Sounds like you have done some amazing things in your life so far - the bus sounds interesting. You have a good attitude and people will be drawn to you because of that. I use my 93 year old mother as my example. Her life started at 63 when Dad died. She joined bowls and everything else she could think of, went on committees etc and kept working so hopeless babysitter but my children call her the role model for old people. Good luck with your new and exciting future, Heather and don't forget to keep us up to date. We would love to know how you are getting on.
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Chilaa
2010-01-29 04:29:05
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Making Friends
Hi Heather
I am a relatively newbie to this great site too. You have the right attitude towards life and you are going to be just fine! I can relate to what you are saying about some of the difficulties of making new friends - it isn't easy. I recently turned 60 and had a major move to a new job in a new city a year ago - yikes, I'm scared of becoming a recluse!! LOL I have a number of acquaintances whom I have met through my work colleagues and I am now receiving invitations to various activities so it is beginning to happen. It will for you too!
All the very best!
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Heather Talbott
2010-01-30 14:20:55
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moving on
Good for you Chilaa and thanks for all the encouragement.
I had one reply to go walking in the evenings. We took our dogs and everyone got on fine. One of my boys wants to learn archery. I think I'll join him - $40 for 6 lessons and then you can practise for free for the rest of the year. Sounds good to me. Good self-defense tactic too:-)
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wendy hablous
2010-02-09 00:17:39
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making new friends
in response to you heather i completly relate to yor situation. I too had a long marraige 35yrs and last year at the age49 found myself alone very alone the friends we had made were joint ones and funnily enough seemed to side with my ex. I shifted thinking i would start a fresh and it would be easy to chat ive never had a problem with that. But the coffee places where id once found it easy to strike up a conversation just wasnt happening id spend many hours trying to get someones attention with no takers. is it that the people are different, more weary, too busy, have enough acquaintences or do i look desparate, too old, lacking confidence or just plain uninteresting. Um so plan B a hobby maybe! Sadly I also lost a wonderful job in a primary school which id enjoyed for the past 15 yrs. That is another concern. I also am booked into have a hip replacement in two weeks maybe then people may look at me a little more favourably. You must keep us updated. I certainly wish you all the very best in your pursute. Friends are so valuable the deep meaningful ones and the casaul aquaintances all have an important place. Chin up you sound a wonderful caring person. I dont know where you live but if you were in Auckland we could get together for a coffee no problem.
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Joyce Lindsay
2010-02-10 22:01:28
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Friends
Making friends, I think is one of the hardest things. I had to do it when I myself became a single Mum to 4 children at age 35. went through the whole thing where people chose and took sides and had to make friends that were "mine" and not "ours". Now, after being made redundant, had all my children move out and moving myself to another city I find myself in the position of having to start to "make" friends again. It is certainly a lot harder at 49 than it was at 19 that's for sure!
I have joined a good church and I know that through that I will eventually gain some good friends - basing that on previous experience of course!
My new job will of course provide new working relationships.
Living in a new city as well has it's own challenges. There is so much I want to see but not knowing my way around is a bit of a barrier.
I have also embarked on "flatting" for the first time since I was 16 which is a real eye opener! thankfully, I have found a great flat with wonderful people (even if they are a decade younger than me!) so I have kind of become the "Mum" in my flat.
I know it takes time to build new relationships and thankfully due to technology like sites like this, and a phone I can keep in touch with my few friends from childhood and my newer friends I made 15 years ago as a single Mum. I hope soon to be able to add "friends I made in my 50th year!" and keep them for the rest of my life as well!
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Lois Hudson
2010-04-30 16:30:32
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Golden Girls
Hi I am a 59 year old living in Auckland, single and can relate to all the abouve statements.
Have you ever looked at an american movie where a group of females friends get together and just support each other and have a few laughs?
I used to have that when I was young, maybe you did too? but life takes over and time goes by, and all of a sudden ( it seems) those friends have moved on in life or moved towns, or unlike me are still married and busy with inlaws and partners.
When I see those types of movies I refered to, "I WANT THOSE DAYS BACK!"
Do you?
I thought I would like to see if there are any like minded ladies out there who would like to get together and maybe form a "Golden Girls" type group.
If you would like to explore this idea, please come back to me and maybe we can share our thoughts etc.
Cheers.
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golfingkiwi
2010-05-15 10:30:45
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making new friends too
I am in the same boat too, my husband died 5yrs ago and so i moved to a new area to live closer to my granddaughter and daughter with my new partner. So we both don't know anyone! My late husband was employed where we had moved around a little when the chidren were small. Im out going so thought no problem to make friends but it is a lot harder the older you get. Im in my early 50's , picked up a part time job where no other real work collegues, joined a gym , everyone there comes and goes without any real contact, joined yoga, a bit the same ( perhaps i need to suggest coffee after class?) but my best idea is the www.grownups.co.nz site where you can got to "friends "and your area and see if they have coffee/lunch days. We do in the wellington area and i have met a couple of ladies through that. Its a matter of taking the lead i think and arranging coffee when u meet someone.
We have also done a couple of street gatherings so sort of know the neighbours.
Good luck ..keep us posted!
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Cathey Sizer
2010-09-16 07:56:14
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Hello
Hi Guys,
Just found this site,,,yeah....and it's great
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Susan Pretorius
2010-10-15 11:08:30
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Wellington
Hi Golfingkiwi, I moved to Wellington at the beginning of last year when my marriage came to an end. Although I am working I have not managed to make any friends yet. Could you please tell me more about the group available here? I really need friends (this sounds so pathetic :()
Cheers
Susan
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Heather Talbott
2010-10-28 13:14:28
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friends
More good ideas. I must have a look at that website.
I'm not sure I've cracked this yet. I joined archery for a year and it was a good family outing, but didn't really solve the problem of making friends. I'm full of good intentions to join things and take up new skills, but I am aware that I am the only breadwinner now, and teenager's pursuits are so expensive, that I nearly always put them first. This is a great way to become a martyr, and to suffer from empty nest syndrome when the kids leave home.
Taking the initiative to go out and invite others seems a good idea. I have a friend who is very good at this, but often when I try to invite people they aren't available, so I lose confidence. I should just persevere, "Well how about Wednesday then?" I have renewed an old friendship, but every time I go round there just happens to be some male friend there too, and I'm NOT ready for another relationship yet.
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Jo
2010-10-28 22:49:23
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New friends
Hi Heather
I agree it is not easy to make new friends at nearly 60. I was widowed 2 years ago and found a lot of our couple friends aren't around for me now, I am like the spare wheel. I don't feel uncomfortable but they obviously do, and I don't get included in group or couples outings anymore.
I have lots of lovely girl friends around NZ but find it very hard to meet like minded girl friends in Auckland. I have lived in Auckland for 38 years and still find if you weren't born here or went to school here you don't quite fit in.
I am looking for people to go to movies with, and art galleries, and gardens so I will take a look at the www.meetup.com site mentioned earlier also.
Jo.
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Mary Cassell
2011-04-14 08:35:34
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Friends, Laughter, Talk and Exercise, Oh and coffee and Cake!
Hello,
I have been receiving emails for a while and enjoyed the articles. Today I logged in and I think the next step is to join up and be a platinum member.
I love New Zealand its stunning and the climate is beautiful. But I feel at times my lovely little city is very "clicky" (sp) and I was not born here, I have a child who is 11, and no partner.( Man shortage here, so I am looking at importing a man in...)
I just had my 47th birthday.
Friends come and go in this picture perfect town and it seems transient, but for me who has bought a house I want to live here forever.
I am looking for friends who want to walk and talk and eat and share the beauty of this gorgeous country.
I have a wicked sense of humour and I am open to alternative ways of thinking, i.e. positive, Oprah.. I read a lot of her recommended books, and like her still have kilos to loose haha
I live in Nelson area.
Merry
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raewyn hamilton
2011-04-17 10:40:34
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making friends
Hi Mary
could I suggest you join facebook and invite me as your friend. I have relatives your age down your way and I know there are many others there as well.
Also, on May 14th there is a Vineyard Half Marathon (walk or run) where the major participants are women in their 40's and 50's. It is called the St Clair Half and their website is: http://www.vineyardhalf.com/ Great way to lose kilos and I think they are still taking registrations. Plus there is a great after function where you would meet many people from the region. A wisanow contingent will be there so look out for the t/shirts.
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di shaw
2011-04-22 17:02:43
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making friends
Mary
I also live in Nelson [an auckland immigrant to this beautiful province] and have found it a very difficult place to meet people - but I don't let that stop me from getting out and about. I have simply adjusted to doing so much by myself though at times I do miss the company.
I am single - I was widowed fairly young - I now have only my youngest child at home.
Please feel free to contact me should you wish - I'm new to this site and not sure if there is a PM option - I am on Facebook. I am also a keen photographer and have a page dws~11 on flickr - a contact option perhaps ...
Di
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Heather Talbott
2011-04-28 12:25:46
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Friendships
Hi Mary
You got some good responses there.
I live in a small town too, and you often find that people have their set of friends they've known forever. I've tried going to Weightwatchers, but everyone turned up with a friend, or sister and it was still hard to get a conversation going. I found the same when I went to a short craft course. It may be a better idea to join something long term like a camera club, wine appreciation group or walking group. The information centre usually has a list of what's available.
Let us know how you get on importing a male. Lol
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Trixie McManus
2011-05-12 16:37:53
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Golden Girls
Hi Lois & Jo, I would love to be part of a "golden girls" group. I can relate to what is being posted here as I have been on my own for 6 years and while I have some really fantastic friends (mainly couples) find there are so many times I would like to have someone to go to a movie with, share a glass of wine/dinner with or meet up with a like minded group where we can get together and share friendship and a few laughs.
I am on facebook and if you want to invite me as a friend then we can work on getting this happening. Look forward to hearing from you or anyone else in the Auckland area who would like to get together. Lifes too short to sit at home letting it drift by. Cheers
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Janet Tuck
2011-05-26 13:17:54
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Freindships
I have just read the discussion and have a couple of thoughts. I too have found Auckland a difficult place to make friends, and by this I mean people who are genuinely there for you and make an effort to reciprocate invites etc.
I moved here after living in Hong Kong for a couple of years This was an amazing city and people were very welcoming and friendly. So I found it a challenge in Auckland.
But I decided to make the most of it and get stuck in and get out there. I asked one of my husband's cousins if she'd like to start a book group with me. She was keen and we quickly got up and running, with both of us inviting others along. We chose people who were interested in reading, rather than friends. We get books sent from the Book Discussion Scheme in Christchurch, so the cost is quite low. We are into our 9th year and most women have been in the group from the beginning.
I also joined a women's networking group, the Auckland Executive Club- not the usual kind where the aim is to push your own business, but one where the social event is important as well. I have made a few friends there and it's a great group.
My husband and I also attended a church for many years, but now find that the relationships tended to be quite shallow there.
I am the kind of person who just gets going and starts things if I see a need, but I am still challenged by the whole friend thing here. My experience echoes that of Jo. I live here, like the city, but want more in terms of friendships that are meaningful.
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Joyce Lindsay
2011-06-09 20:17:43
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Friendships
Janet, I can understand your thoughts about freindships being shallow. I don't know if it is just an "Auckland" thing ( no offence to Native Aucklanders!), but my daughter who is 21 and moved here a few years ago says she finds the same thing. Think maybe it is because everyone here is just so busy all the time.....I hate having to make an appointment to have a cup of coffee and no one just seems to "pop in" anymore!
Anyway, I have now been in the big smoke for two years yesterday and quite honestly can say that apart from a few "acquaintances" I haven't yet got any people I would class as "friend" relationships. It is equally my issue as I too am quite busy travelling up the coast most weekends to spend time with my grandson.
My daughter says you have to put yourself out there if you want friends, but when I am in a crowd of people, I don't want to interrupt conversations and then stand there once the pleasantries are over in an uncomfortable silence.......
So at the moment I am just trying to get by the best I can on my own.
Love this forum by the way Wisanow!
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pamela tustin
2011-06-25 14:32:09
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New friends
Hi Heather, I relate totally as had a 34 year marriage end (nearly 3 years ago). My ex is gregarious, golf playing and life and soul of the party so easier to invite to things than a single 54 (then) year old woman. Friends take sides without meaning to just because it is easier and less challenging for them. A difficult lesson is to accept is that this is not personal. Sometimes still married women find our situations confronting. I have found great comfort and direction in spiritual learnings. There are some wonderful womens groups with the members trying to make sense of what has occured in their lives and having loads of fun in the process. I am in Oz but try googling meditation groups in your area. Often other women are in the same situation without us being aware of it so if you notice another woman without a wedding ring just be friendly and ask whether they are single. It sounds a bit weird but I have met a couple of new friends like this. I also did a spiritual trip to Japan with Stephanie Dowrick which was great fun. She does retreats at Mana in New Zealand. I also made a pledge not to reject any invite even if it was outside of my comfort zone. Enjoy the wonderful new stage of your life.
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