How to Make Friends in Middle-Age

Rae (wisanow)  -
So you've divorced and your friends are now divided, you've moved areas or maybe retired and are finding it hard to meet new friends. Why? Because mature women usually have their circle full with family and old friends.  Where to from here many women are asking?

We searched for the article below by Lynne Spreen, after receiving a query on wisanow website asking for inspiration on how to make new friends-Here is the post from contributor, Heather: Hi there, I'm new to the forum. In November my husband walked out on our 21 year marriage, and to my shock I realised I was relieved, rather than devastated.

Once out of the situation a lot of things become clear, including some of the mistakes (like not growing a spine) you made yourself along the way, and the fact that a lot of "our" friends were actually inherited from him. Yes, that was my fault entirely, having let relationships slip and allowed life to become so unbalanced.

Now as a child it's easy to make friends. When your kids are little it's easy to make friends at kindy, playgroup and outside school. However, when you're 49, and your kids are aged 11 - 18 you are a positive embarrassment hanging about outside school. I live in a small town where when 60 year olds talk about their "girlfriends" they probably went to primary school together. I am positive about the future and I have a new great job, but how on earth do you make new friends without seeming desperate? After reading Peta Mathias, "Can we help it if we're fabulous?" I've realised that I am sadly lacking in girl friends.

So far, I've joined a gym, but apart from a welcoming smile, people tend to sweat staring straight ahead, and it's hard to have a conversation when you are gasping for oxygen. I have also advertised to see if anyone wants to go walking in the evenings - so far with no response. I don't have a lot of money to be able to join many things, as I have 4 kids to support. Any suggestions please?

by Lynne Spreen - a Vibrant Nation Blog Circle User

You spent your life working and now, God willing, you’re looking at retirement. You’ll have time, glorious time! So you blow out the candles, go home with your plaque and sleep in the next day.

At first your life is full. You report those straggly houseplants and organize your closets. Take a bag full of business outfits to the Goodwill. Cook from your dusty recipe book. Watch the morning news shows. Meditate. Go to the gym right in the middle of the day. Woo hoo, livin’ la vida loca, girl!

But pretty soon you get caught up. Your calendar says your week is filled, but it’s all mundane: take dog to groomer, get nails done, don’t forget mammogram. Maybe you start a business from the guest bedroom, and that keeps you so busy that you don’t mind the absence of those coffee-fueled morning conversations you used to have with your buddies at work. If you’re lucky enough to have somebody at home whose company you enjoy, that helps. But after a while, you notice you don’t have any women friends. There’s something missing in your life, and it’s uncomfortable.

That’s how it went for me, anyway. At middle-age, I realized I had few friends (does the one who lives halfway across the country count?) Worse, I didn’t know how to find new ones.

I’m an introvert so it was even more daunting, so I read The Friendship Crisis by Marla Paul:

Marla says finding new friends at our age is harder because our peers aren’t looking. By now, they generally have all the friends they need, so you have to sort of sneak up on them. You go where the prospects are, engage in an activity that makes you happy on its own merits, and then you and the targets just naturally fall into conversation (keeping it light at first). If there’s a spark, you’ll know. Bonus points for meeting multiple times at the activity (pottery class, golf, book club) without the pressure of a first date (“Hey, want to get a cup of coffee sometime?” is awkward, IMHO).

I know you want me to end this with “…and then after a while I had tons of friends!!” but that didn’t happen. At the time I was living in Palm Desert, California, where half my neighbors were snowbirds who left town six months out of the year. The rest of the population was at work. Tumbleweeds blew down the street. So Bill and I moved to what Dr. Phil would call a target-rich environment: a 55+ community an hour away where the residents live year-round and are eager to make friends. I joined activities that made me happy, like book club and golf, and friendships began to form.

I now know that the best way to make friends later in life is to find the activity and let the friendship follow. That’s my advice, but maybe you have some ideas, too. Have you had this experience, and if so, how did you handle it?

by Lynne Spreen - a Vibrant Nation Blog Circle User

Rae comments: For me, moving suburbs after 35 years in one area then moving across the city, connecting with new women was by way of exercise classes.  Not the spin type or hard gym ones but the softer styles of yoga and pilates. I reconnected with a dear friend whom I hadn't seen for years at Pilates and another wonderful friend joined my yoga class.  The women there are always keen to catch up for coffee after as they dedicate some 'me' time rather than immediately disappearing to pursue their other responsibilities.

I also think it is easier in NZ to reconnect with dear friends from your youth as we do not have great distances to travel and the mutual appreciation that initially brought you together will be easy to re-establish.  I found a really super friend (bridesmaid from the first marriage 40 plus years ago) and it as if we have never had a separation.  The internet and skype will stop you feeling alone too.  Try http://www.oldfriends.co.nz