Hot Cars And Dating After 40

How can you Gauge a Male Suitors Intentions?

Study: Women date guys with Porsches; they marry Honda drivers.

by Jane Ganahl posting on secondact.com

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I was taken aback recently by a new study that proves -- more or less -- that despite the evolving nature of our species, in some respects we remain both primitive and predictable. Hot cars = sex. Who could have imagined?

The study, written by marketing and psychology professors from the University of Minnesota, Rice University, and the University of Texas-San Antonio (UTSA), suggests that men who drive Porsches or otherwise spend their money on flashy things are signaling they're A) available and B) not interested in long-term relationships. In turn, that kind of man attracts a certain kind of woman -- one who is, shall we say, not averse to short-term liaisons (aka flings), presumably with a guy superficial enough to drop a huge amount of cash on a sports car.

The study, titled "Peacocks, Porsches and Thorstein Veblen: Conspicuous Consumption as a Sexual Signaling System," concludes that men who are only interested in short-term hook-ups are all about conspicuous consumption: the cars, the bling. And women get it and respond accordingly.

According to the researchers, women found a man who purchased luxury wheels, such as a Porsche, more sexually desirable than the same man who purchased a less flashy car, such as a Honda Civic. However, although women found sports car drivers more desirable for a date, they would rather marry the Honda driver. The study found that women inferred from a man's flashy spending that he was interested in uncommitted sex.

The study also showed that single women enjoyed conspicuous consumption, as well -- just not for the same reasons.

"Obviously, women also spend plenty of money on expensive things," says Jill Sundie, assistant professor of marketing at UTSA and lead author of the paper. "But the anticipation of romance doesn't trigger flashy spending as it does with some men."

I suspect romance is a polite term for what men expect when they take possession of that red convertible.

In my life, I've only dated a few men who valued a flashy car -- and those were all in my youth. My values always lay elsewhere: in a sense of humor, braininess and sexiness. (Really, my ideal match has always been a gifted comedian.) But among my friends, I was clearly the exception. I can recall with perfect clarity having an argument in my 30s with a friend who was smitten with a serious jerk who didn't call, showed up late, etc. -- but she stayed with him because he drove a groovy vintage Aston Martin. ("He's like James Bond," she sighed.)

And where a fun sports car might have had at least some appeal before I turned 40, since then it has actually become a symbol of everything I don't want in a relationship: superficiality on a short-term basis and conspicuous consumption. (Couldn't he have taken that $50K and donated it to saving the whales?) But indeed, what we find attractive changes over the decades. Even my Aston Martin-loving friend, as she got older, began to look more at the man himself, rather than his toys -- or his abs.

"I think in our 20s we're just looking for a good time," says Ronnie Ann Ryan, a Connecticut dating coach who specializes in single women over 40. "And in our 30s we probably start looking for a partner who would be good to have a family with and settle down with. But as we get older, many women look for other qualities -- things like a good heart, someone who treats me well, is financially stable or at least well-employed, fun, and easy to get along with."

Is it the same for men? Perhaps not as much.

"I think more sports cars are bought by men in their 50s than any other decade, right?" Ryan laughs. "No, men will drive them as long as they attract women in their 30s looking for a good time."

Ryan suggests that there are men who are conspicuous consumers who still would like to settle down and marry. But the older they get, the more likely they are to discourage women looking for a serious relationship by driving a Porsche around town with the top down.

"I think then, they'd be sending the signal that women of substance should stay away," Ryan says. "So they might want to think twice about that."

She says in her experience as a dating coach, women over 40 begin to see a profound shift in what they're looking for in a mate. "It's no longer washboard abs or flashy clothes," she says. "It's someone who will stick around, who will be a good friend, who will make you laugh and be a good companion."

Ryan herself was 40 and single when she realized her checklist needed a makeover. "My checklist changed, along with my priorities. I just wanted a man I could count on, who could be honest and see the world the same way I do. Beyond that, I didn't care. If a woman is smart and open-minded, she can still find love at any age."

Her approach worked: She found, after a spate of dating 30 men online in 15 months, the man of her dreams -- and he bore no resemblance to the boys of her youth.

"It was not love at first sight," she laughs. "We are polar opposites: I am Jewish and he is Irish, he is a mechanic and I have an MBA. But I really loved his sense of humor, and he brought out the best in me."

She sees the difference between their demographics as emblematic of what women start looking for as they age. "When I was younger, I wanted a man who was my financial/success equal. Now I realize that isn't important; I don't feel he's not my equal just because I am more educated. The truth is, his education wouldn't make him nicer or more loving. So I am very glad I was able to open my heart and mind to meet such a good man, even though earlier in life he would not have met my criteria."

Jane Ganahl
SecondAct columnist Jane Ganahl is a San Francisco journalist, the author of Naked on the Page (See all Memoirs) and the editor of the anthology Single Woman of a Certain Age: Romantic Escapades, Shifting Shapes, and Serene Independence (See all Love & Romance Books)


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