Caring for kids and Parents - tough for those in the middle

Caring for Kids & Parents - Tough for those in the Middle

 

One-third of Canadians between 45 and 64 with children at home care for a senior relative
Anna Bratulic - The Gazette- Thursday, March 27, 2008

Wendy Reichental worries about her 86-year-old mother. The feeling is normal for any child with an aging parent, especially if they happen to live alone in another part of town. But ever since her mother took a nasty fall a year ago, which left her with a hip fracture and a reliance on walking aids, her concerns have grown that much more. Reichental took a leave of absence from work to help her mother convalesce. “She’s been staunchly independent, doing everything on her own. My sister and I do what we can, but I realize that it’s not enough. “The fall made me realize that she’s going to need extra help at home,” said the 46-year-old Dollard des Ormeaux resident. While she makes sure to spend as much time as possible with her mother, particularly on three-day weekends, she began doing research on private agencies that could help her mother with house cleaning and grocery shopping. These places exist, “but where do you start?” she asked. Reichental eventually came across a support group run by the West Island Women’s Centre aimed at helping people who are caring for their elderly parents. “That’s part of the reason why I joined the group,” she added. “I didn’t know where to start with any of this.” According to facilitator Claire McLeod, a retired nurse who worked at the Ste. Anne’s Veterans’ Hospital for 30 years, the support group allows women in the same boat to share their stories and learn more about the resources available in the community. “The aim of the group is to have them realize that they are not alone with the problems they’re facing,” she said. “They develop respect and acceptance of their own feelings, because a lot of them come with a lot of guilt, anger. It’s a sort of role reversal. A lot of them become the parents of their parents.” According to a 2002 StatsCan report, the so-called “sandwich generation” – that group of people who have dependent children and find themselves having to care for an elderly parent – can lead particularly hectic lives. The report estimates that nearly one-third of Canadians between 45 and 64 who have a child under 25 still living at home are also caring for a senior parent or relative. Nearly 80 per cent of these sandwiched individuals also work, and have had to take time off or lose income as a result of the demands of their personal lives. McLeod says that often the elderly parents refuse to make the changes that their children feel are necessary. Sometimes it’s the reverse; they become totally reliant on their children and refuse any outside help. “The parents may have been in the same place, in the same area, for maybe 40 or 50 years, and they want to remain in their place, which most people want anyway. But I think it’s explaining to them that the parents are going through a mourning period themselves; the mourning of losing their life mate, their health and their capacity, and so on. “The parent has to be understood also. But the caregiver cannot do absolutely everything and run themselves down.” McLeod says she tries to give the women helpful tools, including a long list of contacts in local associations and community groups, as well as emergency, legal, financial, housing and transportation services. “Each group that I’ve had has had different concerns. I give them information that they can read. We talk a little bit about it, but they also talk about themselves and how they can take care of themselves.” For information about the West Island Women’s Centre support group for caregivers of aging parents, call 514-695-8529. (Montreal phone number)