Right of Passage - Amanda Aarons

Right of Passage

by Amanda Aarons - Life in Perspective

Thought I would be whooping with delight, part of me is, but the other masochistic, martyr, mother part is screaming  and I’m not sure what the scream is.  I didn’t think I would be feeling like this but I can see the right of passage happening before my eyes and I’m not ready.
 
Josh is one exam away from finishing 12 years of school. He had a tough time my boy, ADD and some other learning difficulties, actually still can’t spell for toffee, but the spirit that carried him through these years  results in the most stunning man I give to the world.  
 
After initial testing, the report I was given, said not to bother trying to school him, he was “uneducable”, my heart broke that day and Gav eventually told the academic genius in front of us to shut up! I was so proud of him, he was simply reacting to my possible breakdown.
 
From that day the blind lead the blind, I the dyslexic, helped the learning disabled and where I couldn’t his dad stepped in and the rest we took to remediation. There were tears, and screaming matches, flying books and more tears, but he was such a good spirit about it all, always trying his best, always working hard. We thanked God for his OCD, it played a determined part in his obsession to do well.
Josh never let himself down, not for a moment. We were always proud and in awe of the way he never gave up, never stopped.  Some days harder than others but here we are at the end of school.
 
Josh has been accepted in to University to start Architecture, and I told him doing school the second time round was one thing, I am not willing to do Architecture, I have no doubt he will manage it all because out of all this, I know the following for sure.
 
He has grown into a determined, hard working, ethical, kind, able, talented soul with an awesomely hilarious sense of humour, both aimed  at himself and others.   
 
I know you should never let other people determine your future, they do not know your soul or the determination and love your parents have in and for you.
 
I also know you can achieve far more than you think you can.
 
Others have a lower expectation of you then you do, which is why you always rise above theirs.
 
I am so proud, but what has shocked me is the speed with which this time has come. I am shocked at how tied up I have been in the growing up of my children and how quickly they don’t need you in the same ways. I am scared I will never have the same value as I have had as being their full time mom, no matter what I do. I pray that I have done enough. I pray that what I am presenting to the world are two people who are going to be able to navigate their way through this world successfully, ethically and have great joy. I hope I have done enough.
 
While I realise this roll never ends I do see  that somehow this is where it ends the way I’ve been doing it and it is so hard to find a new way and let go. This one is the first real stumble I’ve had along the way.
Danni is right behind Josh just two years left of school and I can see how different it is all becoming.
When Josh was born someone said to me “It doesn’t get easier, it just gets different at every new stage”
I hung onto those words and she was right It just keeps getting different.