On Staying Out of Trouble

On Staying out of Trouble -Why Integrity and Boundaries are our Best Friends by Jenny Devine

Have you ever filled out the information for a personality profile for yourself? You know the kind - ticking the boxes that best describe your qualities. You may well have ticked the “integrity” box. We like to consider ourselves people of integrity; it’s a feel-good word that makes us lift our heads a little higher.

When I encountered this word “integrity” in my coach training it was presented more as a concept that described a way of living. Integrity in its simplest form was about speaking and acting in alignment with our own truth and values. Like so many concepts back then, this one had thrown me a curve ball which immediately raised a question within me. How did I know what my own truth was? What were my values? Yet again the foundation beneath me began to creak. What sort of person was unsure about their own truth and values?

I thought about the times in my life when I had made poor decisions or had got myself into trouble by acting or speaking rashly before I had considered the consequences of what I was doing or saying. I thought about the various parts of my life; my relationships, my career, my health; my mind was going crazy trying to work out what my value system was. I began to wonder if I was a dysfunctional person who lacked one at all.

Before I could pay any more attention to truth and values another concept came along; this one was boundaries – the limits we set to define what we will and will not do and what we will and will not accept or tolerate from others. Now my analytical mind had gone into overdrive; in fact it had moved into attack mode. My boundaries were weak. Too often I failed to take good care of myself, to nurture and give myself what I needed. I said “yes” when I should say “no”. I lied. I gossiped. I behaved in ways that made me ashamed.
Oh this was great. I had lost sight of my deepest truth and values and my boundaries were as weak as a string fence on a windy day. I knew then that it was time to strengthen the creaky foundation beneath me. I took the liberty of giving myself a little time and a little space. I gave my mind permission to become quieter and calmer. I took a deep breath.

With that single, deep inhalation I had it; the answer I was seeking became clear. I could see that our boundaries and our values were deeply entwined. When our boundaries were weak, our values became clouded. When we let someone take advantage of us or treated ourselves poorly, we ceased to value ourself. When we took advantage of someone else or treated them poorly, we failed to value him or her.

Yet, by taking full responsibility for ourselves we consciously get to choose the boundaries that will protect and nurture us and in turn, this exercise of self expression highlights our own values and truth. This is what it means to live in integrity; to be aligned internally and externally. As with most “aha” moments I imagine I probably let out a great sigh of relief at that point.

The light of consciousness had broken through, again; no easy task, I might add. I knew then that it was time to review and re-set some boundaries. I was looking forward to living a life that was much less about trouble and much more about integrity.

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