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Midlife Journeys
Crossroads of second adulthood
  For Jackie, discovering her second adulthood was more of a crossroads than a crisis. She had had a successful career in education for nearly 40 years and was invited by her university to pursue a PhD in education technology. But there was one thing which caught her off guard. Her first grandchild was born.
"I was unprepared for the intense feeling of absolute love when I first held my little grandson. It is a given that you will love your grandchildren, but it was the intensity of the feeling that took me by surprise."Jackie knew that enrolling for a PhD would take her away from her grandson for all five of his pre-school years.
"While I would have liked to do a PhD, I had to reassess my priorities."
She chose to forego her studies and give her time to her grandson.
"That was six years ago! I now have five gorgeous grandsons aged from one year to nearly seven. I have delighted in taking them individually to all the interesting things that Auckland has to offer such as Kelly Tarlton’s, the museum, Butterfly Creek, the Link bus to the city and either the Sky Tower or the Library, ferry rides to Devonport and swimming in the summer."
Jackie does not look back on putting her tertiary studies on hold.
"Having the time to enjoy my grandsons while they are still young has been so special. They have brought such joy that I wouldn’t have thought possible. We have such fun together."
Making the most out of being a grandparent provides a sense of joy that many people miss out on when they first become parents.
"Somehow when your own children are young you are so busy coping with the day to day things that you don’t have time to relax and just have fun. Enjoy your grandchildren while they are young and don’t delay. Do whatever you would like to do now."
Jackie has now gone back into education and helped establish a website texting system for schools.
"It gives schools the ability to text parents, individually or in bulk, from the school website in cases where a child is inexplicably absent or in an emergency when the camp bus will be returning late or the school has to close because of unforeseen circumstances."
Jackie is now looking to do more travelling and possibly do an MA in English or ancient history. She is currently working as an E-business consultant with a web development company. It helps women realise their goals even though they might be hesitant about using technology.
"Since taking on this role I’ve been amazed at the small online niche market businesses that women are conducting from their homes. The online business environment enables them to run a business while they still meet the demands of raising a family."
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Unexpected Journeys
 Geraldine had always expected to graciously enter her 50s with her life partner and surrounded by children and grandchildren. She successfully raised three children and had two wonderful marriages. But when the second marriage ended, Geraldine was devastated. In typical fashion, she bounced back and went on to meet the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.
"My daughters were both living independent happy lives and my son had married a wonderful woman and seemed to be truly blessed with his first child. All in all, life was pretty settled."
But two things would happen which would see Geraldine's world turned on its side.
"I will never forget that Saturday morning when the phone rang. It was my daughter-in-law calling to tell me that my wonderful, perfect son was dreadfully unhappy and wanted to leave her and their three-month-old baby."
As an added worry, the global economic downturn had hit the local real estate industry and Geraldine suddenly found herself made redundant.
"For the first time in my adult life I wasn’t leaving one job on Friday to start another on Monday and it was pretty scary."
Having waited longer than any of her friends for her first grandchild, Geraldine suddenly pictured him disappearing out of her world. For the first time in her life she had no control over the outcome of the events unfolding before her.
"Somehow I had to stay true to my son while at the same time being supportive of my daughter-in-law who was in the worst possible situation through no fault of her own."
But in life, things often seem to have a way of working themselves out.
"It’s indicative of the respect they had for one another that they managed to sort out their differences while remaining wonderful parents to their son.
Another positive outcome for Geraldine from this difficult time in her life came about when she confided with her best friend, Raewyn. Raewyn had also just been through her own crisis and said she was going to write a book about it.
"Somehow, we came up with the idea of creating a website for Women in Second Adulthood (WISA), a place where women can share their experiences in life and help each other."
And that is how the wisanow website became the social networking site for women and men approaching mid life and beyond, to help them explore and make the most of their second adulthood.
"Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be turning 60 and starting a new business in a completely unfamiliar medium. Whoever said life begins at 40 was right but it also begins at 50 and even 60." |
Start by sharing....
 Carol had always considered herself quite level-headed and calm in a crisis. But when she was confronted with several difficult circumstances all at once, she began questioning her sanity.
When the global financial crisis hit home it seemed to trigger a landslide. Carol was coping with an extra financial burden, running the home, working, doing volunteer work and maintaining relationships with friends and family.
"After returning back to work from an overseas holiday, I found all of the small things that I had questioned over the last few years had suddenly rushed in on me. One by one I could manage them, but all at once?"
Carol was exhausted and felt like she was being consumed by everything. Like so many women in this stage of life, she assumed it was only happening to her. Most women she knew seemed to be coping quite well with their lives. Carol continued to tell herself that she was just fine. But her body said otherwise.
"I had endless sleepless nights, depression, tears and anger for reasons that I couldn’t understand or explain to any one. My thought patterns seemed to be taking on a mind of their own."
At first Carol turned to doctors.
"I went to medical practitioners. I tried alternative medicine. I read books and spent a fortune on counselling. There seemed to be no easy answer for me."
She found some relief when she began confiding in her close friends. Carol soon discovered she was not alone in going through this changing time in her life.
"It has taken me 18 months to understand and accept that I am no longer the same person. Let’s say, for me it is still a work in progress. I still have a way to go. But I don’t fear the changes that are taking place and I look forward to planning all the great things that I still want to do."
Carol is now looking forward to doing things that matter to her and give her life purpose and a passion.
"I am planning that next holiday, making more time for my family and re-evaluating the time I spend at work. I worry less and my life is less complicated for it."
Anyone going through this struggling time in life should confide in friends and discover that beginning second adulthood is just another part of the journey of life. Carol also found that eating healthy and regular exercise helped her achieve a balanced lifestyle. She encourages other women to share their tips with each other.
"I would suggest that reading books is a great place to start. Start talking to your female friends because what we are going through should NOT be a big secret." |
Awakening at midlife
 Raewyn, the co-founder of Wisanow, is enjoying a new lease on life. But a while back, after 30 years in business, she had a breakdown.
"After a lot of hard personal work, I recognised it as a wake-up call. A time to take inventory of my life and the imbalances in it. Being out of control was very hard to take as I had always been used to planning and achieving." Raewyn said. "
The Christmas Eve of 2008 was a tipping point for her. That night, Raewyn's midlife meltdown reached crisis point.
Over the past year her husband had had a major operation, her dementia-ridden Mother told her, "I'm dying you know", and the global financial crisis was hitting them and their children. Loved husbands of close family and friends had died that year. And even the family (dog?) had gotten old and gone deaf.
Hopes of a stress-free retirement were dashed until Raewyn started speaking to other 50+ women.
"Many of the women I spoke with are floundering in their search for what matters in their lives, what works for them and what's next. We don't feel the invincibility of youth anymore but we do understand the importance of enjoying life."
Raewyn found that through sharing experiences through this sisterhood, she was able to feel more normal. She no longer feels isolated or conflicted about where to next. She understands that reinventing and rediscovering one's purpose is just another of life's processes to be enjoyed. Rather than focusing on what was a cycle of loss, she started sharing with other women what they were passionate about in their lives. In fact, it was the act of sharing that resulted in finding the passion for yet another new venture, with retirement being the least preferred option. |
"Suddenly I see"
 Jacqui is a highly driven business woman working in the world of finance.
Jacqui explains - "In the early years of working in a male dominated industry, whilst I loved the work, it also brought out in me some negatives aspects of my character. I thought I had to work smarter, harder and longer to keep pace. I had very high expectations of myself and those around me."
Her fast paced life brought her a wealth of experience with the ultimate highs and gaining new skills and resources to manage the demands. She travelled the world meeting and mixing with all sorts of people.
Her personal life suffered. Jacqui experienced her lowest lows, sadness, power plays and health scares.
"The high-flying life had left me with the aftermath of a battleground, the scattered remains of broken relationships, divorces, poor health and low self-esteem. Stressed and unable to cope, I fell flat on my face."
She was also confronted with the pain of the tragedies and deaths of those closest to her from an early age and throughout her life.
"I finally found out about the cumulative effect of grief - the unspeakable grief, guilt and sadness."
Finding herself alone in the big world and a long way from home - it was a far cry from her younger years growing up in a loving family, living in the protected environment of the 50s and 60s.
"Life was happy. I loved people, wanted to travel and see the world. I always knew there was more, and there was. But there is much more I want to do".
"As I struggled to my knees, I accepted and began to search for the real me, honesty, compassion and humility, my authentic self."
In her spare time, Jacqui began reading, counselling and self-awareness education and trusting her gut instinct. Jacqui remains in the same industry which she still loves. She is now fully focused, listens to and helps others wherever she can.
"Along the way, I have met many women who have walked a similar path. The best thing is that we have been able to listen to and help each other. The love of my fellows, my endless curiosity in people, my passion for learning, my appreciation of nature and humanity has helped me reclaim my power."
Despite all that has happened, Jacqui says her saving grace was the love, support and respect of her family and friends and her unlimited sense of humour. She says, you have to stop and enjoy it as well. Think about all you have done and all that you've accomplished.
"It was also my ability to keep a positive mental attitude even in the darkest of times and my belief in a power greater than myself."
Jacqui quotes the poet Aeschylus who wrote; "In our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God."
"I believe this website is a fantastic way to offer support and understanding for all of us. Perhaps now, younger woman will also have role models with whom they too can discuss, learn, gain and offer support." |
Who am I? One woman's quest for authenticity
 Judith reached a point in her life where she was feeling negative and depressed. As a private person, she resisted sharing her feelings with anyone.
But one day, she opened up to a friend and started the journey to a new life.
"I was out of my comfort zone as felt I was making myself vulnerable but it was the best thing I had ever done. Hearing that she also felt the same, as did many others, I suddenly realised I was not alone. That made me re-evaluate myself and my life and made me turn a corner," Judith said.
Around that corner, Judith found a new passion in her previous interests in photography, poetry writing and healing. Her self-worth increased and she began to feel more positive about her life.
Judith says it was about two years from the time she began to feel depressed and lacking purpose to feeling a renewed interest in life. It was all because she confided in someone who shared similar experiences.
"Over the last year, I have been able to act on my passions which had just been sitting there under the surface. Instead of waking up each morning dreading another day, I now wake up with goals and purpose."
Judith's renewed sense of self-worth and drive have allowed her to move into the next stage of her life and enjoy it. She says women should realise that there are people out there who have been, or are going through, the same things you are.
"Learn to talk to other women as you will soon discover that there are many others in the same stage in their lives. Keeping things bottled up only reinforces negative feelings about yourself and life."
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What now? Re-discovering a purpose
 Shirley was enjoying a fun career contracting for a communications company when the recession hit. Many of her colleagues were made redundant and her work hours were significantly cut.
Shirley began to feel a lack of purpose without the structure and social interaction work provided.
"It is amazing how you miss the casual chats and doses of humour round the office on a typical day," she said.
Shirley took it as a signal that it was time for her to leave one meaningful life and develop another meaningful life outside work. She confided in two close friends about her predicament.
"One was going through a similar employment situation; the other was extremely wise in showing me the bigger picture and the tremendous opportunities that were presented with having more time at my disposal in the future," she said.
Shirley says she will continue her transition into the next phase of her life over the next 10 years or so as she renews her interests outside of work.
"It did reaffirm that I wasn’t ready to leave the workforce entirely and would continue working on a part-time basis for several more years. I am interested in and enjoy the business environment but do not want to rely on it for my identity and who I am as a person," she said.
Shirley is more focused on helping look after her grandchildren and has exciting travel plans with her husband. She says talking things over with her like-minded friends has given her clarity regarding her direction, confidence and professional abilities.
"My advice to other women is to identify the key areas that give purpose to your life as this is fundamental to happiness." |
Acceptance
 When Joan turned 55, the last thing on her mind was a mid-life crisis. She was happy and enjoying her 35th year of marriage. She had a lot to look forward to.
"Life was going great. With four wonderful children, a gorgeous grandchild and a successful career, I was on top of the world."
But the following year was not to be so joyous. In 2008, everything would change. On 8 November the alarm went off on schedule at 5:45 that morning. Her husband Greg asked if she would like to go for a walk. Joan replied: "No. I can't. Remember, I have a breakfast meeting." Greg responded simply: "Ok."
Just seven minutes later Joan found Greg lying on the floor.
"I thought it was just Greg teasing me but he had died instantly of a massive heart attack."
At 5:52 am that Saturday morning Joan's life had unexpectedly changed forever.
"I had feelings of change, shock, loss, loneliness, despair and concerns about my future."
Like so many women who lose their life partner in their 50s or 60s, Joan had to find the inspiration to go on. She was not the one who had died and so had to find a way to survive and go on living the rest of her life. There was no quick and easy solution for Joan. But she adopted the motto, "to accept".
"I had to accept what happened. Accept that my life has changed.
Accept that we are still going to have difficult times and the missing is always there. Sometimes it is harder than other times. Accept the future and that you still have to plan."
Come the end of 2009, things started getting a little easier. Joan surrounded herself with positive people, kept eating healthy foods and stayed physically fit. She enjoys reading positive books like "The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion.
"I surrounded myself with people who are willing to share their experiences. I say 'yes' to every invitation even if I don't feel like going. And I appreciate the little things – like lipstick." |
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